“As she pulled back on the arrow she felt the bow tense and resist, as if protesting what was about to happen. She knew exactly where everyone in the house should be, but the distorted shadows cast by the street-light made it hard to judge where everything in the house was, especially as she stood astride a moped at 2AM. At least she had chosen a sensible wedge instead of the Peeptoe Platform Pump which her signature shoe.
She quickly found his bedroom window. If she let the arrow fly through the bottom left pane,the arrow would surely impale the headboard to his bed…
…top right pane would hit the wall.
It’s not so much that she wanted to hurt anyone, but she wanted to send a message…
…a loud and clear message.
…nobody tosses Elsie Denominator to the curb!
Nobody!
Elsie… That was his pet name for her.
She hated that name.
She was going to demand people start using her full name again.
Lois Common Denominator…
…as her mind wandered, the Dollar Store “Lee Press-On” fingernail, having held valiantly for 9 hours through the entire Talent Night at the Wild Club …and one particularly horrible break-up, chose that particular moment to pop off causing her hand to jerk,
…and in the process, she let the arrow fly.
She watched in horror as the arrow shattered through the dormer window above the front door, and bury itself deep within the entryway wall.
One breath of silence, then chunks of glass began to rain down onto the Saltillo Tile of the entryway.
Lois Common Denominator tossed the bow aside, started running as fast as a drag queen can with a moped between her legs, fleeing the scene of an assault with a bow and arrow.
As she made it to the top of the hill she started peddling furiously, kicked on the engine, and gunned the engine, stealing away into the night.
Thank RuPaul she wore sensible Wedges…”
Thank you for indulging me…
FINALLY I was able to write it up!
See… when I started writing a blog post about my Pan Dulce, I took a jog down memory lane. I fell in love with Pan Dulce during my years living in San Antonio. I moved there when I was 21, and I did a lot of growing up there.
Oh, San Antonio…
The Culture! The Food! The Scenery! The Food! The Food! The Food!
Just the other day I was thinking to myself that I’d KILL for an order of Super Nachos from Taco Cabana.
I’d always get a Super Nacho on the way home from the club. They were hot and steamy and crisp when I started home, but by the time I was in my apartment it had all steamed together into a greasy, sour creamy, guacamole chicken fajita cheesy tortilla casserole, and I ate it with a fork.
I’m not sure, but that MIGHT have been how I got fat.
Oh to be young and have a metabolism though… After too many Super Nacho nights I started hitting the gym.
I still had a major sweet tooth though.
That’s when I fell in love with Pan Dulce, or Conchas (which in Spanish means “Shells”). Pan Dulce is a kinda sweet, kinda yeasty soft pillow of bread covered in a kinda sweet crust that can be flavored with anything…
Eventually, whenever I think of San Antonio I wander back to an AMAZING news story I remember.
I PROMISE I remember it as being real.
I remember hearing on the news about a “Female Impersonator” riding up on a motorcycle and shooting arrows into a house.
I mean, you just don’t forget about something like that…
…do you?
It’s not really a “Drive-by Shooting” is it? Is it a “Ride-By Bowing”?
This story has itched around in my mind-palace for close to 30 years now.
It’s so…
ripe…
with possibilities for storytelling.
Who was she?
Why arrows?
What did they do to deserve it?
Was she ever caught?
Here’s the deal… I’ve done several internet searches looking for evidence that the story is real but I’ve never found anything about a drag queen in the early 90’s shooting arrows. Does ANYONE else remember this?
The moped…
…ok
So, I added the moped for dramatic effect.
That name “Lois Common Denominator” is fake too…
All writer’s license…
Now maybe you understand a tiny bit of my warped brain.
be afraid
Nah, I’m harmless.
…maybe
Seriously though, have you ever been in the mood for something but you can’t quite put your finger on what you want. You know…
not real heavy
not too light
not too sweet
sorta sweet
not crunchy
sorta crunchy
not toast
sorta toast
yeasty
not too yeasty
sorta big
not too big
yeah, so turns out I’m ALWAYS in the mood for that exact sort of food.
Meet Pan Dulce.
It’s sorta sweet, sorta bread, sorta crunchy and crumbly but sorta not.
It’s EXACTLY what you want in a quick bite to eat and you don’t need to feel horrible about it.
OK, right.
Its pure carbs.
It’s not like it’s dripping with chocolate or caramel or anything.
mmmmmmmm… but it could be.
I mean, LOOK AT THEM!
I made the swirly white crusted ones vanilla, the wavy lines ones in the back Yuzu, the purple looking ones are Blueberry and the ones in the very back are chocolate. I made them all very lightly flavored because I just wanted a hint of flavor. That’s the magic of Pan Dulce.
They are SO easy too.
Mix up the dough.
Let it rise.
Punch it down.
Form into balls.
Squish on sugar paste.
Draw designs.
Let them rise again…
BAKE!
Eat.
You’ve GOT to try them. They are amazing to much on in the morning, great for afternoon snack, and so amazing slit open and filled with fruit.
Yeah, its a thing.
Strawberry Whipped Cream Chocolate Conchas.
Sorry, I’ve got to run to the store now for heavy cream and strawberries.
The Sugar Paste that goes on top is the best part! Its soooooooooooooooo good. I know I say that every time, but it’s always sooooooooooooooooooo good. I chose to try Yuzu Peel in part of the ones I made. Orange is a traditional flavor, and Yuzu is kinda a cross between orange and grapefruit. It’s very very delicious in this. (See, I was trying not to say soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good again. But it is. Sooooooooooooooooooooo, soooooooooooooooooooo good.)
I also made Vanilla and Chocolate flavored sugar paste for the others. See above. (Sooooooooooooooooo good)
I added some Blueberry Powder to some of my Pan Dulce. I picked up from a Winery in Newfoundland…
You know…
…as one does.
“Oh hey, I picked this up at that winery the last time I was in Newfoundland, maybe I’ll try it in Conchas!”
Seriously though, this is amazing stuff. We got to tour the winery and processing plant and we saw huge sheets of this powder coming off the drying racks is all their sparkly delicious goodness. It’s blueberry. That’s the total ingredient list. What was I doing in Newfoundland? Read about it HERE.
It’s amazing. Next time you are in Newfoundland, pick some up. (…or get it HERE.)
WHAT OTHER blog takes you all the way from an early 90’s Moped driving arrow shooting Drag Queen to a Winery in Newfoundland?
Hummmmm?
Oh, and an amazing new take on a recipe?
So, let me know if you give them a try.
Oh, and let me know if YOU remember a drag queen shooting arrows.
tell me I’m not crazy…
Marvelous! I love the story.